I have bad news for my 2 faithful readers.....
This chapter in my life and this blog are coming to a close.
I am not sure how much of the current situation has made it out in to the IF community, so I will give the whole story here. Please remember, this is just my side. And it is a hurt and angry side at that.
As of June 12, Amanda has left me and the boys. After a steady downhill progression she claimed that I was "being mean" to her. Mind you, she said this because I was getting on to her more and more when there was not a clean dish in the house, and no clean clothes to be found. She would routinely sleep until noon, and then do nothing the rest of the day as far as housework. This had long been a problem with us and in hindsight, I should have never let it go as far as it did. I was always clear with her that she did not have to work (but was allowed to if she wanted), but if she did not, the house was her job. It is not a man/woman thing, it was simply that if I was paying the bills, she had to pull her weight somehow.
At the time she left, there was little to no explanation on why she was doing this. She steadfastly refused to even entertain getting help and trying to get things resolved. She had made her mind up and she was leaving. There was nothing that could be done to change her mind.
Over the course of the week following her leaving, I was left with some hard choices. Did I want to keep the boys? COULD I keep the boys? Was keeping the boys the right thing to do? There was limited contact with Amanda, during which I found out she had been seeing (sorry, "talking to") someone else for a few weeks. Many 4 letter words were exchanged.
The only attempt she made to make amends was to offer to stay around long enough for the adoption to finalize so she could have visitation. Not only did I tell her hell no, but the state had already stepped in and gave me very firm instructions that she was not to have any interaction with the boys and if she did, they would be removed. So, that made it easy for me to tell her that I would not let her maintain a false relationship only to leave again later. Purely a selfish act on her part.
As things stand right now, I have filed for divorce and am proceeding with adopting the boys alone. TPR has been completed and we are moving into the adoption phase of things. Hopefully by the end of the year, it will be complete. As a happy side note, I will be the first single man to adopt from the State of WV. Yippie!
It has been a very rough 6 weeks or so for me and the boys. But, we are making it happen, learning along the way. Amanda's family stepped up to the plate and helped me when I needed it most, without my even asking.
On the personal side of things, I am doing well. After the initial shock wore off, and I decided that I just needed to move on, I did just that. I have been dating a bit, which is a challenge with the boys, because I am being very careful about exposing them to any women that may be seen as mother figures.
The boys are coping very well. X is happy and healthy, and all about dad right now. C is hit an miss. He is very angry and acts out sometimes. I have been punched a few times, lots of kicking and screaming. He is testing me, and I am maintaining that I am here for the duration. Good or bad, easy or hard. I WILL BE HERE.
I would be lying if I said that it didn't hurt me. It did. My trust was betrayed in a way that I did not know was even possible. I was blindsided by actions the defy explaination. I was left broken and hurting, without a dime to my name. Never before had someone beat me down that bad and that hard. I can deal with her leaving me. What I can't deal with is that SHE wanted this. I had accepted that my life may not include children. But, this was important to her. So I went into this journey with her. Only for her to betray and abandon me and the boys.
I would be lying if I said that I wasn't angry. How could I not be angry? How could anyone not be angry? You don't take on children that have already had a troubled life and then when you find out it's not all fun and games just walk away. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Least of all these boys.
I used to say that I wished her the best. I felt that I should be the bigger man. But, I have moved past that. I do not wish her the best. I wish her pain when she thinks of these boys and that they will never be in her life, because of her choices. I hope that it forever burns a hole in her heart that she did this. I hope that whomever she left to be with understands what they are getting and what they did when they left. If they do understand what happend and still want to be with her, I feel sorry for the both of them. I prey that she is not able to have her own children to treat as she did these. I know that she will never be allowed to foster in the state of WV again. Which, is a small positive, at least she won't be able to damage children that are the most vulnerable.
I will be moderating comments for this, simply because I know that a large number of people who used to follow her may read this. I will allow all comments that do not attack me or the situation. I may not have been a perfect husband, but she never wanted for anything and she was never abused. She had her reasons, none of which had anything to do with me, I believe. Please remember, this is MY blog, therefore, this is MY view of things.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thoughts on donor sperm.....
First, I know I have been a bad blogger. There really hasn't been much to report.
We found out today, that more than likely, C and X will go back to their crack whore mother next month. This after being told multiple times by their social worker that there is no way this would happen.
After all that has happened regarding foster parenting, we have decided that once these boys go home, we are not going to do it again. It just isn't worth it. It is not about helping the kids, it is just being housing for the state. They are going to do whatever they need to meet their numbers, regardless of what is best for the children. The fact that they will even talk about returning these boys to their mother LIVING IN A HOMELESS SHELTER tells us that.
So, this has had some unexpected effects on me. It has taught me that parenting is not about their biological relation to them, it is the role you play in their life.
Which, leads me to today's quandry.
When it came up in the past, my answer to donor sperm was a firm, NO. After looking into many other options such as adoption, fostering, IVF, etc, I feel like this may be the best option for us. It is within our budget, would net us a child that is at least 1/2 biologically ours. It removes the asshats from the state from the picture.
So, I would like to collect your thoughts on donor sperm. If you do not want to comment publicly, please email it or post anonymously.
Here is my criteria for donor:
Must have the same basic physical characteristics as me. Hight, build, hair color, etc.
Must be at least moderately successful. I don't want a Harvard grad, but holding a job, etc. (Yes, there is a whole nature vs nurture debate here, but I am covering both bases here because I can)
Must be a "no ID" donor, the child will never know that there was a donor.
So, lemmie have it. What do you think?
We found out today, that more than likely, C and X will go back to their crack whore mother next month. This after being told multiple times by their social worker that there is no way this would happen.
After all that has happened regarding foster parenting, we have decided that once these boys go home, we are not going to do it again. It just isn't worth it. It is not about helping the kids, it is just being housing for the state. They are going to do whatever they need to meet their numbers, regardless of what is best for the children. The fact that they will even talk about returning these boys to their mother LIVING IN A HOMELESS SHELTER tells us that.
So, this has had some unexpected effects on me. It has taught me that parenting is not about their biological relation to them, it is the role you play in their life.
Which, leads me to today's quandry.
When it came up in the past, my answer to donor sperm was a firm, NO. After looking into many other options such as adoption, fostering, IVF, etc, I feel like this may be the best option for us. It is within our budget, would net us a child that is at least 1/2 biologically ours. It removes the asshats from the state from the picture.
So, I would like to collect your thoughts on donor sperm. If you do not want to comment publicly, please email it or post anonymously.
Here is my criteria for donor:
Must have the same basic physical characteristics as me. Hight, build, hair color, etc.
Must be at least moderately successful. I don't want a Harvard grad, but holding a job, etc. (Yes, there is a whole nature vs nurture debate here, but I am covering both bases here because I can)
Must be a "no ID" donor, the child will never know that there was a donor.
So, lemmie have it. What do you think?
Monday, January 5, 2009
So, my crazy wife has ordered me to do some kind of random fact thinger.
Rules:
A. Link to the person who tagged you.
B. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
C. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.
I don't know 7 people with blogs, so this will probably die with me. If you are reading this and have a blog, consider yourself tagged.
1. My then girlfriend had an abortion without telling me when we were 15. Since then, I firmly believe that the father should be notified when they happen.
2. I can't feel or spread the toes on my left foot. When I was in 8th grade I jumped out of a boat and landed on something, got 23 stitches and cut the nerve to my toes.
3. I have a serious weakness for women's undergarments. On Amanda, not on me.
4. I will apply technology to anything and everything I can.
5. Amanda tells me she can tell if I am on the phone and it is a female. Apparently, I am a shameless flirt.
6. I am oblivious to being flirted with. It has to be blatantly obvious, to the point of being naked before I realize anything is happening.
7. I am colorblind.
So, there you have it. 7 random facts about me.
Rules:
A. Link to the person who tagged you.
B. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
C. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.
I don't know 7 people with blogs, so this will probably die with me. If you are reading this and have a blog, consider yourself tagged.
1. My then girlfriend had an abortion without telling me when we were 15. Since then, I firmly believe that the father should be notified when they happen.
2. I can't feel or spread the toes on my left foot. When I was in 8th grade I jumped out of a boat and landed on something, got 23 stitches and cut the nerve to my toes.
3. I have a serious weakness for women's undergarments. On Amanda, not on me.
4. I will apply technology to anything and everything I can.
5. Amanda tells me she can tell if I am on the phone and it is a female. Apparently, I am a shameless flirt.
6. I am oblivious to being flirted with. It has to be blatantly obvious, to the point of being naked before I realize anything is happening.
7. I am colorblind.
So, there you have it. 7 random facts about me.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Bad blogger!
Yeah, sorry I haven't been posting. Things have been quite busy.
Overall, things are good. But, there have been some significant developments.
We fired the caseworker that the agency had assigned to us. Quick list of reasons:
1) When she first dropped them off, she said no medications. X was on multiple medications. Judging by subsequent actions, she was probably told about them and didn’t remember. Fortunately, his former Doctor was very helpful in bringing us up to speed and assisting.
2) Failed to mention C’s “demons that can kill him” statements to his DHHR worker. She had told us she would.
3) Is never able to answer any but the most basic questions.
4) Unable to offer us guidance on things like enrolling in school. We had to contact C’s DHHR worker to get the needed information in a timely manner.
5) Consistently “forgets” to call us back with information in a timely fashion. We have resorted to directly contacting their DHHR worker directly for everything but YAP specific things.
6) Entered one of our vehicles to retrieve X’s car seat without asking permission.
7) Constantly takes a “snotty” tone with us.
8) She was told on 12/29/2008 that X had just gone to the doctor and had a prescription for a yeast infection “on his neither region”. Then proceeded to call us the next day to lecture us about his mother noticing he had diaper rash. Had she actually listened to us when she picked the boys up, she could have addressed this at the visit.
9) C has repeatedly mentioned that he does not like going with her because she is not nice.
10) Visits consistently take hours longer than needed. This has caused us to miss appointments because we had to wait for them to return.
C spend Chirstmas with his grandfather and had a most excellent time.
He is slowly coming out of his shell with me. Just takes time.
We decided to contact the birth mom. This was a tough choice for us. We finally decided that if she did get her stuff together and they went home, that we would like to position ourselves to maintain contact with them. Amanda and her spoke for quite a while and it went well. We are supposed to meet with her this Sunday and discuss thing and have a bit of a meet and greet. Jury is still out on her. This was not something we expected to do, but we think it is the right thing to do.
C and I went for a drive on the tractor today, he enjoyed that quite a lot. He loved that he established that he was faster than the tractor on his bike. Not sure that is much of an accomplishment to outrun a 60+ year old tractor. But, he enjoyed it, so it was fun.
Hope all of you had a good Christmas.
Overall, things are good. But, there have been some significant developments.
We fired the caseworker that the agency had assigned to us. Quick list of reasons:
1) When she first dropped them off, she said no medications. X was on multiple medications. Judging by subsequent actions, she was probably told about them and didn’t remember. Fortunately, his former Doctor was very helpful in bringing us up to speed and assisting.
2) Failed to mention C’s “demons that can kill him” statements to his DHHR worker. She had told us she would.
3) Is never able to answer any but the most basic questions.
4) Unable to offer us guidance on things like enrolling in school. We had to contact C’s DHHR worker to get the needed information in a timely manner.
5) Consistently “forgets” to call us back with information in a timely fashion. We have resorted to directly contacting their DHHR worker directly for everything but YAP specific things.
6) Entered one of our vehicles to retrieve X’s car seat without asking permission.
7) Constantly takes a “snotty” tone with us.
8) She was told on 12/29/2008 that X had just gone to the doctor and had a prescription for a yeast infection “on his neither region”. Then proceeded to call us the next day to lecture us about his mother noticing he had diaper rash. Had she actually listened to us when she picked the boys up, she could have addressed this at the visit.
9) C has repeatedly mentioned that he does not like going with her because she is not nice.
10) Visits consistently take hours longer than needed. This has caused us to miss appointments because we had to wait for them to return.
C spend Chirstmas with his grandfather and had a most excellent time.
He is slowly coming out of his shell with me. Just takes time.
We decided to contact the birth mom. This was a tough choice for us. We finally decided that if she did get her stuff together and they went home, that we would like to position ourselves to maintain contact with them. Amanda and her spoke for quite a while and it went well. We are supposed to meet with her this Sunday and discuss thing and have a bit of a meet and greet. Jury is still out on her. This was not something we expected to do, but we think it is the right thing to do.
C and I went for a drive on the tractor today, he enjoyed that quite a lot. He loved that he established that he was faster than the tractor on his bike. Not sure that is much of an accomplishment to outrun a 60+ year old tractor. But, he enjoyed it, so it was fun.
Hope all of you had a good Christmas.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Further into the depths of fatherhood.
So, things have been chugging along. Ok, more like flying along. I understand now why people with kids are always so busy.
Not much has really happened. Everyone is settling in well and we are working on routines.
We have setup another, private blog with pictures, email me or leave a comment and I will send you the info. You will probably also get added to the announcement mailing list for the pictures.
In parenting news, C is getting much more comfortable and seeking my attention, affection and approval. He hinted around when I took him to bed that he liked to read at bed time. Of course I obliged. We took turns reading, he is a REALLY good reader.
Tomorrow we are off to Grandma's for the day. I will probably be exhausted after that.
In work news, I got thrown under the bus and ended up on call for the next two weeks, during the "holiday closure". Not real thrilled about that. Prior to the boys getting here, I wouldn't have cared. Funny how all that changes.
Not much has really happened. Everyone is settling in well and we are working on routines.
We have setup another, private blog with pictures, email me or leave a comment and I will send you the info. You will probably also get added to the announcement mailing list for the pictures.
In parenting news, C is getting much more comfortable and seeking my attention, affection and approval. He hinted around when I took him to bed that he liked to read at bed time. Of course I obliged. We took turns reading, he is a REALLY good reader.
Tomorrow we are off to Grandma's for the day. I will probably be exhausted after that.
In work news, I got thrown under the bus and ended up on call for the next two weeks, during the "holiday closure". Not real thrilled about that. Prior to the boys getting here, I wouldn't have cared. Funny how all that changes.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Finally, some time to breathe.
So, here I sit in my nice quiet house all by myself.
Amanda went to Wal-Mart (Which I hate) with X to pick up a pack-n-play and some other things. So, I can think a bit.
While I can't really compare this to "traditional" parenting, but it has to be harder. We went from no kids at all to having an infant and an 8 year old in the house. While the infant is pretty easy to understand the needs of, the 8 year old is significantly more difficult. He has likes and dislikes, things that make him happy, things that scare him. It is very hard to find these things without just grilling him, which would not be cool. One just has to be observant and try to pick up on them. We are figuring it out, but slowly.
I took C down this morning and FINALLY enrolled him in school. What a mess that was. Even with the principal being Amanda's uncle, they fought us. They could not get past us not having a birth certificate. We told them time and again that his last school had copies of all that and they would gladly fax it to them if they would call and ask for it. They were still hung up on needing it before they could enroll him, and they couldn't request it until he was enrolled. It was a real chicken vs egg problem for the simpletons. Finally, we just laid down the law. We told them we were bringing him in today with all of the paperwork we had from the state telling us to enroll him, and let them figure out what to do about it, or call DHHR and tell them why they were refusing to enroll him. By golly, it worked. If it wasn't for the fact that we would have been causing family problems, I would have called the papers to see if they wanted to run a story about the schools refusing to enroll foster children. It seems like they think when children are removed from their homes they come with a folder labeled "Important Documents" so it's all nice and tidy. Seems that the goal of education has been lost in favor of red tape. I in no way wanted to break the rules, I just wanted to get him in there while we sorted the paperwork out. Maybe I will go ahead and send a letter to the editor to the local papers. It is certainly a problem that needs some attention.
In all my life, I can't really recall thinking "Where is that damn camera" as many times as I have this week. Last night, C and Amanda were decorating the tree (C and I put it up, they decorated) and I couldn't find the camera fast enough and I am not sure I would have been composed enough to use it anyhow. It was a pretty amazing thing to be a part of.
We are trying very hard to undo some of the damage that was done regarding Christmas. Apparently, he was told a while back that Santa was dead. I am not sure of the reasoning, but I can't come up with a reason that justifies it. We are making pretty good progress on that front. We have gotten him excited about Christmas. Still waiting to find out where they are going to spend Christmas itself. He wants to go to his grandfathers and we are working to make that happen as best we can. While we love these children, we can't deny them their birth family. It's important to him, so it is important to us. Hopefully, we will know something on that in the next day or so.
I had a talk with C last night when he went to bed. He was concerned about kids at school making fun of him or being mean to him because he is a "foster kid". I told him the best I could think of, which was that they only know what he chooses to tell them. If he wants to say we all just moved here as a family, we will roll with that and back him up. The school agreed to do the same. I know this has to be a terrible thing for such a young child to face, and I do admire his bravery. I like to think he draws some strength from knowing that he has a mountain of man for a father who is 100% on his side, come hell or high water. But, I really don't know if he does. Either way, I have to keep doing it and be there for him. He has had enough disappointment, I won't be part of him having any more.
Last night I took my entire family (Me, Manda, X, C, mom, dad, brother, brothers girlfriend) out to dinner with some of my Christmas bonus. A good time was had by all and poor C didn't know how to react to the waitress flirting with him.
I had a good opportunity to reflect on the last year yesterday. I had to do my anual review with my manager. I know I do a good job, but it reall hits home when you see it all spelled out. In reflecting, I am amazed how much has happend this year.
Amanda went to Wal-Mart (Which I hate) with X to pick up a pack-n-play and some other things. So, I can think a bit.
While I can't really compare this to "traditional" parenting, but it has to be harder. We went from no kids at all to having an infant and an 8 year old in the house. While the infant is pretty easy to understand the needs of, the 8 year old is significantly more difficult. He has likes and dislikes, things that make him happy, things that scare him. It is very hard to find these things without just grilling him, which would not be cool. One just has to be observant and try to pick up on them. We are figuring it out, but slowly.
I took C down this morning and FINALLY enrolled him in school. What a mess that was. Even with the principal being Amanda's uncle, they fought us. They could not get past us not having a birth certificate. We told them time and again that his last school had copies of all that and they would gladly fax it to them if they would call and ask for it. They were still hung up on needing it before they could enroll him, and they couldn't request it until he was enrolled. It was a real chicken vs egg problem for the simpletons. Finally, we just laid down the law. We told them we were bringing him in today with all of the paperwork we had from the state telling us to enroll him, and let them figure out what to do about it, or call DHHR and tell them why they were refusing to enroll him. By golly, it worked. If it wasn't for the fact that we would have been causing family problems, I would have called the papers to see if they wanted to run a story about the schools refusing to enroll foster children. It seems like they think when children are removed from their homes they come with a folder labeled "Important Documents" so it's all nice and tidy. Seems that the goal of education has been lost in favor of red tape. I in no way wanted to break the rules, I just wanted to get him in there while we sorted the paperwork out. Maybe I will go ahead and send a letter to the editor to the local papers. It is certainly a problem that needs some attention.
In all my life, I can't really recall thinking "Where is that damn camera" as many times as I have this week. Last night, C and Amanda were decorating the tree (C and I put it up, they decorated) and I couldn't find the camera fast enough and I am not sure I would have been composed enough to use it anyhow. It was a pretty amazing thing to be a part of.
We are trying very hard to undo some of the damage that was done regarding Christmas. Apparently, he was told a while back that Santa was dead. I am not sure of the reasoning, but I can't come up with a reason that justifies it. We are making pretty good progress on that front. We have gotten him excited about Christmas. Still waiting to find out where they are going to spend Christmas itself. He wants to go to his grandfathers and we are working to make that happen as best we can. While we love these children, we can't deny them their birth family. It's important to him, so it is important to us. Hopefully, we will know something on that in the next day or so.
I had a talk with C last night when he went to bed. He was concerned about kids at school making fun of him or being mean to him because he is a "foster kid". I told him the best I could think of, which was that they only know what he chooses to tell them. If he wants to say we all just moved here as a family, we will roll with that and back him up. The school agreed to do the same. I know this has to be a terrible thing for such a young child to face, and I do admire his bravery. I like to think he draws some strength from knowing that he has a mountain of man for a father who is 100% on his side, come hell or high water. But, I really don't know if he does. Either way, I have to keep doing it and be there for him. He has had enough disappointment, I won't be part of him having any more.
Last night I took my entire family (Me, Manda, X, C, mom, dad, brother, brothers girlfriend) out to dinner with some of my Christmas bonus. A good time was had by all and poor C didn't know how to react to the waitress flirting with him.
I had a good opportunity to reflect on the last year yesterday. I had to do my anual review with my manager. I know I do a good job, but it reall hits home when you see it all spelled out. In reflecting, I am amazed how much has happend this year.
- New role at work
- Diagnosed infertile
- Promotion at work
- Moving
- More new duties at work
- The entire home study process.
- Getting these 2 wonderful children that in no way deserve anything less than the best.
- Seeing my wife get her mom groove on so gracefully.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
So, this is cooler than I expected
Again, bad blogger here....
But, I promise, this time I have 2 of the best excuses I could hope to have.
We will just call them C and X. C is 8 and X is 8 months.
Today, we did the single coolest thing to date with them. We put up the Christmas tree. In the past, we wouldn't even have a tree. But, somehow this is a bit different, and much cooler.
With the exception of dealing with getting C registered for school, it has been a pure pleasure.
Both are quite happy and quite well adjusted.
For myself, I am beat, this is WORK!
Unfortunately, since they are foster children, we aren't allowed to post pictures.
Since C will be starting school tomorrow, I will have some more time to post more. Just wanted to jump in and give you guys an update.
But, I promise, this time I have 2 of the best excuses I could hope to have.
We will just call them C and X. C is 8 and X is 8 months.
Today, we did the single coolest thing to date with them. We put up the Christmas tree. In the past, we wouldn't even have a tree. But, somehow this is a bit different, and much cooler.
With the exception of dealing with getting C registered for school, it has been a pure pleasure.
Both are quite happy and quite well adjusted.
For myself, I am beat, this is WORK!
Unfortunately, since they are foster children, we aren't allowed to post pictures.
Since C will be starting school tomorrow, I will have some more time to post more. Just wanted to jump in and give you guys an update.
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